C is for ClOwNinG. Or Is It?
If you are an ardent user of social media, Twitter especially, the word clowning is not news to you. You’ve seen it, probably used it or are a living breathing example of one.
Clown /klaʊn/
noun: clown; plural noun: clowns
1. a comic entertainer, especially one in a circus, wearing a traditional costume and exaggerated make-up.
Similar: a foolish or incompetent person.
“we need a serious government, not a bunch of clowns”
Verb: clown; clowns; past tense: clowned; past participle: clowned; present participle: clowning
Here’s how I understand the use of this phrase. It is used to show or indicate time wasted in feelings and investment of emotions without getting the same in return. The phrase, in my opinion, also speaks to failed talking, dating stages, yes, there are stages to this “relationshipping” thing.
From what I’ve seen, when one says “I was clowning or I was a clown” it speaks to them either feeling bad for having developed and acted on their feelings or are making fun of the fact that they felt something for someone. You know us Ugandans and our use of humour to cope with traumatic experiences. The term seems to also come with regret for investment of time and in most cases, resources.
Makes me wonder, when did we start demonizing feelings we absolutely have no control over? Why do we feel so bad for feeling human emotions and being attracted to others, to taking the step of pursuing our attractions and crushes? Why does it come with so much regret and sometimes self-distraction and hate especially when it doesn’t go well? Yes, I know, I know that it’s draining to be a giver, the one that always shoots the shot, the feels person i.e. one that gives in to these lavingos emotions as and when they come in.
We are a generation that runs away from love and the commitment it requires, we have built walls and barriers of protection, largely influenced by unresolved and unprocessed trauma, and past relationships that ended badly. We are emotionally unavailable, moving mad from one target to another, leaving them emotionally distraught too thus creating an unending cycle.
I write for perpetually single people that have had countless near talking and dating experiences, for those that have prayed for the emotions to go away, those that have wished to switch their emotions off, like the Caroline and Stefan in Vampire Dairies, those that have been lured and led on only to be met with sudden 180-degree change and ghosting. I write for those that think about the worst when someone shows interest in them, those that no longer believe in love and have crafted stories on why they don’t deserve to be loved, the relationship candle gang, the relationship “God When?” brigade, the pillow mbissi geeng. I see you.
I would like to implore you not to give up but maaahn it is a ruthless world out there and people don’t come with their about printed on their foreheads. Thing is, you’re going to be lied to, you will be ghosted, a lot, people will open up your heart, slice it piece by piece and hurt you the same way you explained your pain to them and it will all be heart wrenching.
Nonetheless, for you I pray for the love that India Arie and Jill Scott sing about. May you be kind to yourself, as a new interest springs up, as you piece yourself back together, as you take a break from indulging. May you own and stay true to your truth and inner growth and oooh, also, love springs from many sources and places, may you tap into these wells each time it gets overwhelming.
And all the clowns say? Amen.
