OMWAKA GUGENDA NEBYAYO

2021.

2021.

2021.

How many times did I call you? <Insert shaking my head emoji>

Olemwa!

2021 has felt like a Buy 1 Get 4 kind of deal, dragging its ass to the end. It has been the year of a thousand COVID-19 variants, Adele’s 30 album and Uganda’s Election year. Yes, we held “elections” this year.

What does not kill you makes you stronger. They said. This is your year. They sung! But whatever did not kill me in 2021, slowly reduced my will to live. Weapons were formed against me, and they prospered. A lot. But the important thing is that I am still here.

One of the things I have purposively done this month is to avoid thinking about how the year has gone, the turmoil it has taken me through and what I have endured to make it through. One thing is for sure, 2021 has left me exhausted and barely breathing. Some days were good, most days were bad, other days were ugly.

Was I experiencing this alone? Is everyone exhausted, did 2021 deal us the same blows? I asked, through some of my social media platforms (Who am I kidding just 2, this year, I left some social media platforms, it was just too much). 4 people graciously responded to my request and they shared about their 2021. I have the pleasure of reiterating it on my blog. These experiences are raw, real and reading them made me teary, because I could relate.!

Caution: The stories contain narrations of toxic work environments, emotional and mental pain.

Guiding Questions

• What was 2021 for you?
• What did you survive that you thought you wouldn’t?
• What worked for you this year?
• Taamu egenda nebyayo, what are you leaving in 2021?

Rest

• What is rest for you
• Have you had to redefine what it means to you?
• Did you put yourself first

Write a love letter to 2022 you.

THEE SERAN

Roller coaster is the word that sums up what 2021 has been for me. I think all the terrible things happened to me this year. I broke up with my partner at the start of the year, in February, during Valentine’s week. What a way to start a year! I just could not put 2 and 2 together. I lost myself for a jiffy right there.

This is someone I had spent four years with and it felt like I had spent eternity with them. Someone I loved with my entire being. It broke me; it tore me apart. I tried asking them why they had made such a drastic shattering decision, at least they would have given me a heads up, it was too little too late. I tried a couple of times to get our relationship back but I was flogging a dead horse. They say time is the best healer and yeah, I am still here.

This same year, I had issues with my superior at work, who lives outside the country. My superior is a very manipulative, toxic, annoying, arrogant, narcissistic, insecure creature. They actually contributed to an almost mental breakdown for me but the gods have been good to me. I am still here.

Also, this year, I lost my grandfather. I never knew I loved him that much until I saw his body being lowered into the grave, almost blacked out. I caught my breath in bits and I was losing it. It got worse each time I set my eyes on my grandmother, I ran to her, fell into her bosom and broke down. I never knew how much I loved him until the last day I laid my eyes upon him. My grandfather’s death is something I have still failed to fathom but yeah. I am still here.

I survived a heartbreak. I never thought I would go through that shit. For the first time in my life, my life stopped. I listened to strictly sad music. I listened to all the Sam Smith sad break up songs. I listened to Adele’s sad songs until I got tired and sick of my sad self. I prayed so hard to the Lord. I needed to go through this. I asked for the Spirit to lead me where my trust is without borders every day of my life, and yes it worked. I survived, and I am still here.

Despite all that was happening, I got myself opportunities. Opportunities for growth and development. I have always wanted to grow both personally and professionally. I enrolled into mentorship programs by civil society organizations. I met friends through these programs. Friends and mentors that have helped me grow personally and professionally. I got networks to big guns in civil society. I am so proud of the little steps I’ve taken.

There is something that happened to me in high school, something that has been traumatizing me all my life, but this year, I got into one of the safe spaces, with people that understand me, and got this off my chest. Oh, the relief! Oh, the joy! Oh, the peace! I am glad I shared! I am glad that I got the hurt off my heart.

I want to leave behind every toxic thing and toxic human being that happened to me in 2021 in 2021. I am leaving all the negativity behind: the relationships, places, the situationships, the habits and everything that disrupted my peace of mind, and everything that would be a threat to my peace of mind.

Rest for me is being at a place of peace. A place of no disruption. A place of no anxiety. A place of relaxation.

I cannot even redefine what rest means for me, because if it does not have what my definition has, then it is definitely not rest. For the longest time in my life, I have not been putting myself first. I have been putting so many people and things first, coming in second. I have sought for validation from people and that kept on backfiring, hard ringing slaps in my face. Lessons have been learned, and we kennat go down that path ever again. So, help me GOD!

Dear 2022 Self,

I hope this love piece finds you well; body, mind and soul. I am writing this to thank you for being the strong person that you are. This year was not the best for you, actually the worst moments of your life happened this year, but you were strong. You were broken but you got back up like the fighter and strong soul that that you are. I am fuckin proud of you.

I am glad that despite all you went through, you still held your head up high. I am glad that you learned lessons from all the events that occurred.

As we get into the New Year, leave all that transpired and use it as motivation for improving and building yourself for yourself.

Put thyself first in each and everything that you do, and if something does not resonate with your peace, walk…in fact run away.

Yours Truly

Self

ESMERALDA

2021 was a year of new beginnings, a serving of the good, the bad and the absolute terrible. Everything that this year has thrown at me has tried to kill me, both mentally and emotionally but here we are. I have held the word ~ we move ~ by its throat and good sis is asking for water!!!

I have survived mental and emotional breakdowns, homophobia, sexual harassment and the crushing loneliness that gripped me due to the new location that found me far away from those I love and hold dear. The distance however did not take away the different ways in which people made me feel loved.

The year has been one where I have focused on putting myself first. I gave a stab at finding a mental health practitioner, the hope was for me to find one that did not pray for me or tell me that I am too young to have thoughts about death. (P.S: I’m in my mid-twenties and this was the first meet, happening over phone, on Palm Sunday, I’m so tired of Ugandan therapists)

What I am not carrying into 2022 is putting myself and the things that bring me joy in second place.

Rest for me has been getting on the road to go see my queer family every weekend; to be loved and held softly, an incomparable experience. Rest means doing things, going to places and being with people who reduce or completely lift the weight off my chest. I am not at rest in places that keep me on my toes or hold me back.

For 2022, I hope for love, happiness, softness and kindness by my people and in all my endeavors.

PIPPA

My birthday is on the second day of the year and usually, I use this time to think about what I want to accomplish in my new age. I turned 31 this year and top of my list were career orientated goals which I ticked off by the 15th day of January 2021. I was hopeful and excited to see how much more I could do for myself, but the amazing was the beginning of what has been the most stressful year of my life.

When you hear someone say “work has consumed my life”, you cannot fully understand it until you are required to be up at 6am and in bed at 1am for 2 weeks. And with each passing day you are slogging through the deadlines, meetings, field visits, please-find-attacheds, all while staying present for the one thing sucking away your life force and forgetting to nurture and feed and rest.

One day you wake up and you are riddled with anxiety which you fuel with coffee and staying on top of your game. Another day you wake up and your day is you talking yourself out of panic attacks. Next day you open your eyes; depression has taken root and you cannot get out of bed. The day after that, you must be strong for those around you because pain has consumed their lives. You do not know how to keep all of you standing, but somehow you make it. It takes a lot of love in your life to remind you that there is more to life.

Calling my therapist when I was in the deepest pit is probably one of the hardest things, I have had to do this year. I am grateful for that moment I decided to take back control. Those 2 months in therapy reminded me that I could say no, I can ask for help, I can take a break, I can have difficult conversations and introspection is an important part of getting out of slump.

2021 has been a year of immense growth and unwanted character development. Do we give thanks for that? I honestly do not know because out of the 350 days I have currently lived, I do not remember a moment of happiness that was not sponsored by alcohol and drugs.

Today is 16th December and tomorrow is the first time I am going to take real rest for myself. The first time I am completely de-touching from my job and my computer, and I will not lie that it does not make me anxious because who am I when I am not stressing about deadlines and projects? I hope that in the New Year I will take more rest for myself, I will create stronger boundaries, I will make more time to work on myself and evolve into my best self.

One day at time baby girl.

SOPHIE CAROL

2021 for me was war, I got back both at the front line and in the back of line, invisible. It was draining and scary being on the front line.

I survived hypocrisy, a bad toxic, manipulative, patriarchal boss. l did not think l would have the courage to quit or walk out of the space but l did. It was hard to let go and move on but l finally did and l feel better. I feel free.

What worked for me this year was my move to concentrate on my entity, Queer Women Leaders Uganda and offering my support to the LBQ Loose Network and my children who bring me joy every day.

In 2021, I am leaving behind saying yes to please people, bad eating habits, people who do not wish progress or seem not to see the future and toxic relationships.

I have not rested in a while, so l would not be in the right place to know what works for me now. Sometimes, I sneak off and watch some Netflix.

Rest feels selfish to me, I have moments when I feel like a horrible mother and daughter who is not giving my children and parents the time they need. So l never put myself first. I can go shopping to buy myself something only to end up home with something for everyone but me or if I get something, it is the cheapest I could find.

What a year, right. The above stories embody courage with a dash of hope for a better 2022. The above also point to the much-needed leap into intentional rest, that which should not be a last resort or a result of the body giving in.

I wish for a gentler 2022, like Esmeralda, filled with softness and intentional consistent love. I have no expectations for 2022 but I am sure looking forward to ending 2021.

Goodbye 2021, we will not miss you.