We belong together, Not.
Have you ever desired to belong? In a space, with a group of people or just a place?
Growing up, I don’t remember ever wanting or struggling to, we were a group of children in the neighbourhood that would do almost everything together. We went to the same school and always walked, early morning when we didn’t wait for the school truck and late in the evening. We would save our break money to buy sugar canes and ice to eat on the way back home. When I wasn’t with them, I was lost in a book or a TV show especially cartoons and music.
The case was the same in high school, despite having attended a Muslim school for my A level. I found about 4 friends and that was it, having a boyfriend outside school equally aided my lack of desire to fit in and want to belong.
The winds of change blew my way when I joined university. They hit me hard and the urge to belong grew and the options were many. Would it be music? MilegeAfro Jazz Band held the “Milege Acoustic Project”, where blooming artists were given a platform to showcase and grow their talent. Church? I was fresh out of Scripture Union and could dance too, also the cool people of St. Francis had “Come Alive”. Debate and politics? My high school track record of the two guaranteed success had I ventured into that.
Music it was, I became an ardent performer and I almost joined the band. During that time, I met awesome musicians, Kenneth Mugabi, Afrie, The Body of Brian, Michelle and Milege’s lead vocalist Gloria with the voice from the gods. The acoustic project led me to meet other people that would come to attend, I made friends that I have kept to date. The project drew in crowds from different worlds.
I remember meeting a group of friends, all men, political enthusiasts. If you ever found them in one place, debating politics and policy, it could never occur to you that they were so close, I didn’t fit in, for many reasons, an all-men group and last time I checked, still is. But also my love for politics had taken a back seat which was quite surprising to them because how dare I be studying law and not be grossly involved in politics.
The search for the space to belong continued, I volunteered for causes, with the hopes that as I contributed to the impact the causes sought to effect, I would find my tribe. The joke was on me, volunteering showed me that underdogs don’t matter, imagine not being appreciated by those you're volunteering for while being met by cold stares and people barking commands. I remember this one time I was at the registering table outside a conference room and this man told me he only speaks to the ED as I stood to welcome him.
Why the need to belong?
You’ve all heard, read the saying your network is your net worth, right? The sayings are quite many now that I think about it, birds of the same feathers, show me your friends etc etc. Belonging to a certain tribe comes with identity, power and influence. That is why people name drop, why your references matter, why certain people want to be associated with certain people. The other assumption is that these people are going to mention your name in spaces that matter, that they will defend your honour. (This has also been used by shitty people and abusers to make headway in society because “their people” keep protecting them and recommending them, a story for another day.)
What happens if you don’t fit in, when you’re not deemed worthy of the space? My search to belong was futile, even when I joined renowned institutions and we were told we are now part of a family, it never felt that way. The thing about invited spaces is that those that invite you to them dictate how everything happens, they will not tell you but there will also be favourites, the ones who the rest have to look up to and be like blah blah blah.
I have learnt that aspiring to be someone or something I’m not breeds comparison that in turn leads to self-hate and sabotage. That I will not be welcome in all the spaces I would otherwise want to occupy, that I will not be invited, included or even considered for things and that it is okay. But also that no one owes me any of the above. I continue to grow and travel the journey of self-discovery, being my unapologetic self. Have I found my tribe? I don’t know, but one thing is for sure, you will eventually belong somewhere even if it's just with yourself.
